SNL Weekend Update: Tina Fey 10/7/00 Tina Fey: As a mother of two, which I am not, I worry about the lack of positive role models for today's young girls. For example, Britney Spears caused controversy last month when she wore this skimpy outfit at MTV's Video Music Awards. Critics called the outfit inappropriate and say it's just another example of Hollywood sexualizing young girls. But I say, ladies, give it up. Britney looks good. Look at that ass. That is a cherry bomb. You gotta look at that thing through a hole in a paper plate. Britney, in about five years that whole area is gonna blow, so enjoy it now. Have it photographed as much as possible. Rub it with fine oils and liniments. You will miss it when it's gone. And, as for whether or not those are breast implants are not.. Britney was on our show last year, I worked with her.. and, to me, her breasts felt completely real. Jimmy Fallon: What did you say? you said they "felt real"? Tina Fey: No I didn't. 10/21/00 Prostitutes in Lyons, France sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's - "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9.. This just proves what my boyfriend always says - that I am dumber than a French whore. Back to you, Jimmy! 11/4/00 "Following the premature release of a controversial 'Esquire' interview, an angry Bill Clinton told reporters, 'I was promised faithfully that the interview would be released after the election and I believed it.' Yeah, that's crazy, isn't it, Bill? How some people can look you right in the eye and lie to you like that? Bill? Aahh, I talk a good game, but I'd still make out with him." 11/18/00 Earlier tonight, Michael Douglas married Catherine Zeta-Jones at the Plaza Hotel here in New York. The entertainment at the reception was singer Tom Jones. The couple felt he was the perfect choice because like the bride, he is Welsh and like the groom, he is old and creepy. Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris has been all over the news this week. First she set a deadline for the recount, then she was overruled, now she's been stripped of her ability to certify the Florida votes. Katherine Harris hasn't gotten this much attention since spring break '77. Look at her, she looks divorced. She looks like the woman being cheated on in a Mexican soap opera. Katherine, honey, there's another setting on your make-up mirror. It's called 'daytime.' Check it out." 12/9/00 "On 'Meet the Press' last Sunday, Dick Cheney warned that 'we may be on the edge of a recession.' Governor Bush has since asked his running mate, 'If it's warm enough, can we have recession outside?'" 1/13/01 It was announced this week that Ricky Martin will perform at the Lincoln Memorial as part of President Bush's inauguration. Apparently, Mr. Bush's first step in restoring the dignity of the presidency is having a soap star sing "She Bangs" at the foot of the Great Emancipation. 2/1/01 Primetime Extra "Corrections officer Debb Eaton, the first person kicked off of 'Survivor II,' said that she was voted off because she wouldn't participate in her tribemates' x-rated conversations. Said Eaton, 'I just want to get back to my genteel life of working in a prison and having sex with my stepson.'" 3/10/01 After experiencing chest pains Monday, Vice President Dick Chaney was rushed to George Washington University Medical Centre. When asked how Chaney's angina would effect the administration President Bush confidently told reporters "Boys don't have anginas!" As part of his ongoing financial disclosure, Jesse Jackson told the Chicago Sun Times that he does not have a chequing account or credit card. Probably becasue to get those-YOU NEED A JOB. (laughs) What is your job? According to a report released Tuesday, female inmates in the United States have been victims of sexual misconduct by corrections employees in every state except Minnesota. So ladies, if ya wanna rob a bank but you don't want your cooter poked, head to Minnesota-land of 10,000 lakes. *THE BEST JOKE EVER Send me your favorite Fey Quote and I'll post it! Tina: When Al Gore realized he still had a chance in Florida Tuesday, he called George W. Bush at 3 30 in the morning to withdrawal his concession, saying, "Circumstances have changed." Bush replied, " Unbelievable, lemme make sure i understand, your taking back your concession?" Gore then said," Well you dont have to be snippy." To which Bush replied, "Jeb has assured me we have Florida." To which Gore responded, " Let me explain something, your younger brother is not the ultimate authority on this." To which Bush said, "You conceded, no take backs, no do overs." And Gore was like, "I had my fingers crossed." And Bush was all like, "I'm not tryin' to hear that, see?" And then Gore was like, "Oh no you didnt" Yeah, and then Gore hung up on Bush, and Bush totally star 69ed him and was like, "i know where you're at, i got your number on my caller id." And now jimmy, there like not even speaking, which is like really awkward for me, cuz im friends with both of them.... Jimmy: That's so unfair that they put you in that position." Tina: I KNOW, right? Well, back to you..." The Arab Gulf state of Bahrain is preventing single women from entering the country by refusing to give them visas. But I can tell you right now, treating single women like crap will only make them like Bahrain more. "Who's one Cory Feldman short of a Suckfest?" 10/13/01 MSNBC reporter Ashley Banfield, now in Pakistan covering events there, has cut her hair short and died it brown in order to go undercover in the male-dominated country. Take it from me, Ashley: If you think having brown hair and wearing glasses will keep men from noticing you.. you are right 11/03/01 I am human viagra! I am Will-Agra! Well, if you mean that you are becoming a huge dick I think I agree with you. Citing the high cost of the series and low ratings, syndicator Pearson Television has cancelled "Baywatch". Now viewers who love big fake boobs will just have to watch "VIP", "Jerry Springer", "Jenny Jones", "Search Party", "Extra", "MTV Spring Break", "MTV Making the Video", "Wild on E!", "Howard Stern", "Silk Stalkings", "G-String Divas", "The Man Show", "Unhappily Ever After", "Blind Date", Bowflex Infomercials, "Cleopatra 2525", the XFL, the NFL, "Sabado Gigante", "Temptation Island", "Charmed", wrestling, Cinemax, Showtime or commercials 12/10/200 UGH, Israel!!! you KNOW we're friends! this is NOT the time!! UUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! Submitted by MY BEST BUDDY!!!!: Bill Magee Tina:"Men maturbate all the time. Right, Jimmy! Back to you." On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft issued a terrorism warning asking all Americans to be on high alert this week. Then on Friday, he announced that the period of high alert would be extended indefinitely. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "Bitch, I can't be anymore alert." Okay? I'm opening my mail with salad tongs, I take my passport in the shower with me! Alright, I'm watching so much CNN I'm having sex dreams about Wolf Blitzer. How about this, okay? How about you be on full alert, I'm gonna freeze my head like Walt Disney and then you can wake me up when everything's cool, okay? Back to you, Jimmy. Producers of Buffy the vampire slayer are reportedly talking with Britney Spears to do a two part guest appearance on the show. The two parts are above her waist and below her neck. **************************************************** HUGH HEFNER RANT - pictured with 7 blonde hot chicks (picks up picture) Tonight Playboy founder Hugh Hefner will celebrate his 75th birthday. At Hefner's side will be his seven girlfriends.. Stephanie, Tiffany, Regina, Cathy, Kimberly, Buffy and of course (points to one of the girls)Tina. Because wherever two or more whores are gathered, there's always a Tina. Now...Thanks mom. Now, when I first saw these women I thought the same thing we all did. What has happened to Affirmative Action in this country? Hefner's dating seven blonde, white womanNot a blonde pubic hair among them might I add. (off the cuff) Not a pubic hair among them. C'mon though seven blondes? There's not a hot Asian woman you can throw in there? A light skinned black woman? A deaf brunette? Somethingwhere's the diversity? When are we going to have a Hefner Herram that looks like America? Am I really to believe that these women, each of them, offer you something unique? Let's go over them if you will. (points to first blonde) This one is 19, ok. Two months ago she was working at Dairy Queen, now she's out clubbing it with Bill Maher and Don Adams. Is she better off? IT's hard to say This one (points to the second girl in black shirt), this one isn't even trying. I'm actually very disappointed in this one. What is that a man's shirt? (looks at camera) You are the weakest link-GOODBYE! This one, this one doesn't even have a name anymore..she's just girl. She's basically just there because she knows CPR. This one, ok this one is always next to him, always holding his hand. (deadpans a Chinese accent) She a numba one girlfriend! At 28 Tina is the oldest and has a two-year-old son. Oh that must be a wonderful way to grow up, playing 'fetch the ash tray' with James Caan and the Grotto. While your mom's upstairs praying for the Viagara to wear off so she can get you to the orthodontist on time. Fantastic. These two..these two are like this (crosses fingers)sometimes they're like this. And this one, clearly this one is willing to do something the others will not do. Whatever the filthiest thing you can think of..it's a little worse than that and she'll let you photograph her doing it. Gotta be the reason she's there. But y'know what you can't condemn these woman because at least they work together they support each other and how many woman can say that right? And these women aren't doing it for the money. They're doing it because they were molested by a family friend. I solute you Hefner ladies. You are making it work! Back to you Jimmy! *********************** FRENCH FREEDOM FRY RANT Tina: In protest to France's opposition to a U.S. war in Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed French fries and French toast to freedom fries and freedom toast. Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started Freedom kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as Idiot cheese. Jimmy: Trust me, they're laughing at us, okay? French fries aren't even French, they're Belgian. Some American guy named them wrong to begin with. Also, they're pouring bottles of French wine down the toilet? Stop it! You already paid for the wine, you dopes! Pee in a wine bottle and sell it to some French people - then you're doing something! Tina: And don't think that by eating Freedom fries that you're being patriotic and helping the war effort. Use less gasoline, read a newspaper. You know what? How about we cool it with the Freedom fries anyway, you fat asses! We are the fattest country in the world. Have you ever walked around an American mall? It's nothing but chick filets and Lane Bryant track suits busting at the seams! BOTH: Do something!